The Messy Room
I walked in and flipped on the lights. She had decorated her desk with clothes and it looked like what was underneath the hill of fashion was to be kept a surprise. The bed wasn’t made and under the mattresses I could see the bottoms of her pajama peeking out as if it were trying to see a glimpse of its guest. On the floor was her homework neatly scattered around covering every inch of her carpet that she had said was blue. I opened her closet and out came an avalanche of clothes almost suffocating me to death. But obviously I survived. Once I had stumbled out of the death trap I look at her bookshelf which didn’t bare books it held her shoes, shoes that were too small for even a 7year old to wear. I tripped over her math textbook and in front of me was a pizza box with ants that decided to move in. I decided to move out after that sight.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The messy room
Posted by Sami at 8:51 AM
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2 comments:
Wow Samiyah, that description of the messy room was really good! The way you described things mainly. The ones that stood out for me were instead of just saying a pile of clothes, you said "a hill of fashion". And the "avalanche of clothes that tumbled out of her closet almost suffocating me when I opened it". hat sentence very accurately describes the situation and it's not too dramatic. The whole thing is written in a very witty, crisp style and the way you finish it is really funny, but you kind of have to read it twice before you understand it, which is a good thing about it.
As she walks around the room how she describes each item she sees with a witty sense of humor you feel you are there with her or following her into the room. I feel if you described the pizza box which was an exciting ending with some more depth it could add to the depth of the piece. I also feel you used 2 or 3 of the 5 senses extremely well but if you included the smell of the room and some more similes and metaphors the piece would be perfect.
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